Oh my… back home post Camino and things feel really different.  So much to discuss and the first thing pressing for attention is the absence of things pressing for attention…and the decision to keep it that way.   Yep that‘s a little confusing.  One thing that makes change so hard is the comfort level of the familiar.  The feeling of being in control is addictive.  At first even negative things that are predictable feel better than a great open expanse of living in the moment.  
 
Before the walk I had read and was prepared for (here insert I thought I was in control of) my experience of the Camino.  Things could have continued like that for the whole walk.  Marcia could have imposed controlled Marcianess on the walk and at the end of 100K the only difference would be some dusty clothes and tired feet. 
However, I began to change the second day by removing things from my backpack…didn’t need so much of this,
could do with a lot less of that. What I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t just lightening my load I was unpacking control and leaving it behind.  The day I felt real growth I didn’t take a pack at all (not even my reading glasses so then why bother with a map.)  There were yellow arrows pointing the way…to where ever they were leading me. 
I decided that it was a day for walking alone. Since I had given up all idea of control I also seemed to have unpacked the critical voice that usually narrates how far short of perfect that I’ve fallen or the one that is poking and telling me what I should be doing instead. Wow how great the freedom and ease without them.   OK…critical voices/laughable idea of  being in control…by golly they must be connected.

 Now I am back home and as you can guess (I’m sure you have experienced it also) my mind is furiously trying to repack the backpack and slip the straps over my arms.  This giving up control is ok while away from home…after all it really doesn’t count then…but now it is back to “real life”.  As you know your mind doesn’t give up control without a real tussle. I find myself mentally pulling out and dusting off all the old things that worked in the past to shove me right back where I belong. Here insert your own list of things that in the past tanked any of your efforts toward real growth.  The difference is that this time I know what that open road feels like. To stride along it unencumbered by anything that tries to narrow it down or block it entirely is an amazing feeling.   With faith that your own yellow arrows will point you in the direction you need to go…drop your backpack and stride forward finding your own sense of freedom and excitement along your path.

I’m setting out today on an adventure.  The main purpose in going is to walk on the Camino de Santiago.  It is a pilgrims’ path that has been followed for decades.  There are so many reasons and stories of why people choose to do the walk.   One thing that is pretty consistent in each is that you come back changed.  That is exciting and
daunting at the same time.  Pondering the whole process began a while ago.  Friends and family have given me loving items and thoughts to carry with me.  Today I found the prefect token to represents my Camino and it will now be going along also.  It is a cross section of a fossilized snail casing (see below). I have had it awhile and thought it  beautiful.  Today I glanced and it took on a whole new meaning.  I am not sure if it represents pacing into my center or from center outward to the world.  How would you approach a  walk on your own path toward self-discovery?  Would you plan and prepare or would you go with the flow and live in the moment?   Would you insulate yourself from any unpleasantness along the way or count it a learning experience and stride on?   As for my walk I am hoping to go with the flow and see what life has to offer…the adventure begins.  

Changes are often very threatening (somewhat of a mild understatement).  You may not even be comfortable where you are but at least you know the ground rules and have developed ways to cope with what is presented to you.  Internal changes can be even harder to deal with. I don’t know about you but I started out thinking (when I timidly peeked inside) this is ME this is what I am like.  Wanting to get a better picture I began to read.  It was amazing to consider that many things about a person aren’t static. That someone can see, understand things and choose to change, wow!  Right after the exhilaration of these new ideas came the (you may think I’m going to say apprehension, nope…) cringing  fear of change.  Ok certain parts of you may not be appealing but they begin to feel like near and dear friends at the prospect of taking the leap into the new.  So then the bargaining starts… I will
try just a little change and test out the results.  As with anything new there are a few skinned knees during the learning  process.  Your stern, unforgiving, insistent voice keeps up with the “see I TOLD you this wasn’t going to
work”.  So you drop back panting and think maybe the familiar isn’t so bad.  This back and forth can go on forever
if you choose. OR you can KNOW when  it is time to move to a new place, understand that the insistent voice wants to stay put and that a large part of you does also but declare it moving day.  Close and lock the door on the old and  take your next step in growing.

Sitting on the porch enjoying an early dinner I could hear the remnants of the rain pattering on the roof.  The sun had just broken through the clouds to lay gently on the lush green spread before me.  Looking out I thought how very content, happy and peaceful I was. It then occurred to me that I was content, happy and peaceful and BECAUSE of that I could take in the beauty around me.  This had my internal sun breaking though.  I saw clearly  that when I... like many people turn things around I put a time limit on that happiness.  When I say I am happy BECAUSE of…in this case the scene outside…then once the trigger is gone so is the happiness.  The hunt must begin again for a new trigger to activate happiness.  When the happiness comes first then there is no end of wonderful things offered up to enjoy.  Finding the blocks to your happiness is part of finding your answers.