A tale, I have an acquaintance I have spent years trying to get to know.  She’s been insulated by layers of ideas, words, conclusions, apprehension, fear, …  I  wanted to get through all of this to the person beneath.  Before that however, there is a tale within the tale… Once upon a time, I tried to bathe a full grown, stray cat I had just found.  She didn’t take to the idea.  As I lowered her in a wash tub of water all four paws grabbed onto the sides of the tub.  No matter which one I managed to pry loose there were three others hanging on for dear life.   She was long haired and her tail flipping around was hitting the water and soaking me.  Once I could drain the water from the tub, she released her grip and stalked off like the warrior she was… but for the dripping tail.  The point of the story is to give you an idea of what this project to bond with my acquaintance has been like.  I have only been able to lift one of the layers at a time.  It would snap back in place as I went for the next one.  Today, I gave up on that project and metaphorically drained the water.    I released my grip on the “mission”.  I see the acquaintance as the part of myself that I once needed and learned from but will no longer allow to consume so much of my energy.  I now place more value on getting to know who I am at this moment.  There is SO much to experience in this moment when not filtered through the past.  This is my declaration of how I chose to stalk forward… being the warrior that I am!

 P.S.  I took the stray cat …the heroine of the bath tale… to the vet and had her shaved to get rid of all of the knots.   The universe must watch over the well-meaning but unaware.  I don’t know why she didn’t shred me for trying to bathe her.  The vet in all the years he took care of her had to wear gauntlet gloves.  When carrying her out in her crate…hissing and yowling … he would say  “Here come Happy!”

Most Growth seems painful.  Whether it is young bones or old ideas.  Have you noticed that?  Maybe it's that you can't see/know the benefits that will come from growth as it begins.  Because of that you may experience the dread of change.  Until the decision is made to work through that dread the benefits of an expanded view will never be known.  Of course, that applies to old ideas...the young bones don't leave you much choice as they stretch you toward the height that you are meant to be.  Are you feeling twinges in some of your old ideas?  So which of them are you willing to allow yourself to outgrow? 

You are out there in the world and you are doing something, anything let’s say telling a funny story to some people.  As in most group situations some people get it and think it is funny and others don’t. The don’t people aren’t even smiling. You are standing there and may be feeling a bit queasy at this point…and thinking perhaps you didn’t tell the story very well, or it wasn’t an appropriate story for this group or any number of things.  What needs to be decided at this point is…who is telling you these things… I or ME?  The idea that just came to me is kind of hard to explain…since I/the writer am doing the explaining and using I/the example.  To, hopefully, dodge this bullet the writer is going to refer to herself that way and only use I when talking about I/the example. Got it?

 Have you ever played with the idea of how you think of yourself when you say I and then when you think ME? 
For this writer, ME is born when you are a little pink/blue bundle delivered by the large, white stork. As your awareness grows such things as the wiggly things waving in front of you …later labeled hands and feet… are at first just part of ME.  Then there are many more things that you come to know as not ME.  The point is ME isn’t loaded with value judgment...it is just ME.
 
Now YOU/I come into the picture. The writer grouped these together because it depends on who is doing the talking as to which of the two is used.  Eventually the inquisitive, active ME begins to be told YOU do this or YOU don’t do that.  Anyway ME begins to lose sight of ME and becomes an I/YOU  infused with all the judgments it is being feed.  Let the writer introduce YOU/ I.  I is made up of the opinions of other people, societies, books, TV shows, etc. as to what ME is or should be. After all ME doesn't need value judgments.   ME’s world is a given. When needing to build your self-esteem do words like…I can do this, I really look good in that pop into your head? Or, if the I isn’t living up to what it expects, do words like I really suck at this stomp through your mind. Ok admit it, isn’t your world just filled with I judgments?  About now you may be thinking.."are you saying when I'm thinking, hey I can do this  …… or I sure can’t do  that …… that it isn’t ME?"  Nope that is I... the I constructed on what others have said (and you believed) about ME.  For a while it might be fun to question what would ME think every time the word I pops into your head (ok bad grammar but ME don't care).  Seeing the world through your ME eyes allows you to live in the moment and helps with finding your answers.
 
PS.  This blog REALLY upset the Spelling and Grammar checker…it is still frantically shaking it’s little bits and bites  as I exit out.

Oh my… back home post Camino and things feel really different.  So much to discuss and the first thing pressing for attention is the absence of things pressing for attention…and the decision to keep it that way.   Yep that‘s a little confusing.  One thing that makes change so hard is the comfort level of the familiar.  The feeling of being in control is addictive.  At first even negative things that are predictable feel better than a great open expanse of living in the moment.  
 
Before the walk I had read and was prepared for (here insert I thought I was in control of) my experience of the Camino.  Things could have continued like that for the whole walk.  Marcia could have imposed controlled Marcianess on the walk and at the end of 100K the only difference would be some dusty clothes and tired feet. 
However, I began to change the second day by removing things from my backpack…didn’t need so much of this,
could do with a lot less of that. What I didn’t realize is that I wasn’t just lightening my load I was unpacking control and leaving it behind.  The day I felt real growth I didn’t take a pack at all (not even my reading glasses so then why bother with a map.)  There were yellow arrows pointing the way…to where ever they were leading me. 
I decided that it was a day for walking alone. Since I had given up all idea of control I also seemed to have unpacked the critical voice that usually narrates how far short of perfect that I’ve fallen or the one that is poking and telling me what I should be doing instead. Wow how great the freedom and ease without them.   OK…critical voices/laughable idea of  being in control…by golly they must be connected.

 Now I am back home and as you can guess (I’m sure you have experienced it also) my mind is furiously trying to repack the backpack and slip the straps over my arms.  This giving up control is ok while away from home…after all it really doesn’t count then…but now it is back to “real life”.  As you know your mind doesn’t give up control without a real tussle. I find myself mentally pulling out and dusting off all the old things that worked in the past to shove me right back where I belong. Here insert your own list of things that in the past tanked any of your efforts toward real growth.  The difference is that this time I know what that open road feels like. To stride along it unencumbered by anything that tries to narrow it down or block it entirely is an amazing feeling.   With faith that your own yellow arrows will point you in the direction you need to go…drop your backpack and stride forward finding your own sense of freedom and excitement along your path.

I’m setting out today on an adventure.  The main purpose in going is to walk on the Camino de Santiago.  It is a pilgrims’ path that has been followed for decades.  There are so many reasons and stories of why people choose to do the walk.   One thing that is pretty consistent in each is that you come back changed.  That is exciting and
daunting at the same time.  Pondering the whole process began a while ago.  Friends and family have given me loving items and thoughts to carry with me.  Today I found the prefect token to represents my Camino and it will now be going along also.  It is a cross section of a fossilized snail casing (see below). I have had it awhile and thought it  beautiful.  Today I glanced and it took on a whole new meaning.  I am not sure if it represents pacing into my center or from center outward to the world.  How would you approach a  walk on your own path toward self-discovery?  Would you plan and prepare or would you go with the flow and live in the moment?   Would you insulate yourself from any unpleasantness along the way or count it a learning experience and stride on?   As for my walk I am hoping to go with the flow and see what life has to offer…the adventure begins.  

Changes are often very threatening (somewhat of a mild understatement).  You may not even be comfortable where you are but at least you know the ground rules and have developed ways to cope with what is presented to you.  Internal changes can be even harder to deal with. I don’t know about you but I started out thinking (when I timidly peeked inside) this is ME this is what I am like.  Wanting to get a better picture I began to read.  It was amazing to consider that many things about a person aren’t static. That someone can see, understand things and choose to change, wow!  Right after the exhilaration of these new ideas came the (you may think I’m going to say apprehension, nope…) cringing  fear of change.  Ok certain parts of you may not be appealing but they begin to feel like near and dear friends at the prospect of taking the leap into the new.  So then the bargaining starts… I will
try just a little change and test out the results.  As with anything new there are a few skinned knees during the learning  process.  Your stern, unforgiving, insistent voice keeps up with the “see I TOLD you this wasn’t going to
work”.  So you drop back panting and think maybe the familiar isn’t so bad.  This back and forth can go on forever
if you choose. OR you can KNOW when  it is time to move to a new place, understand that the insistent voice wants to stay put and that a large part of you does also but declare it moving day.  Close and lock the door on the old and  take your next step in growing.

Sitting on the porch enjoying an early dinner I could hear the remnants of the rain pattering on the roof.  The sun had just broken through the clouds to lay gently on the lush green spread before me.  Looking out I thought how very content, happy and peaceful I was. It then occurred to me that I was content, happy and peaceful and BECAUSE of that I could take in the beauty around me.  This had my internal sun breaking though.  I saw clearly  that when I... like many people turn things around I put a time limit on that happiness.  When I say I am happy BECAUSE of…in this case the scene outside…then once the trigger is gone so is the happiness.  The hunt must begin again for a new trigger to activate happiness.  When the happiness comes first then there is no end of wonderful things offered up to enjoy.  Finding the blocks to your happiness is part of finding your answers.

The dictionary  describes labels as “ 1. A slip attached to something for identification or  description  2. descriptive or identifying word or phrase.  All well and good if you’re describing drapery but how do they work with people?  Even more importantly how do labels affect you?   It seems  to me that most people …whether or not they realize it…are mentally bound hand and foot with labels that have been applied over a lifetime.   The labels I mean are the Velcro like statements that limit your ability to live creatively.


An example:   let’s take a little boy playingTee ball.  Ok we are talking about a  kindergartener for gosh sakes…the baseball scouts won’t be around for a couple of years yet.  I would be willing  to bet after a game or two labels are being printed for this little guy. He is already getting known to himself and others as good in baseball, or maybe not so good.  Adults react to these perceived accomplishments or failures and he begins to believe them himself.  I’m sure that you know these kinds of labels are often self-fulfilling prophecies.  If he is beginning to believe he isn’t such a great baseball player when the ball comes whizzing by …wait this is tee ball after all …when the ball comes ambling by (see a label I’ve put on Tee Ball batters) do you think our hero is going to run and really try…or will he think," gee I’m not going to be able to get the guy out anyway so why try so hard".  Now in reality the day this label was attached maybe he wasn’t feeling well or just had a bad Tee ball  day.  I’m belaboring the point but  do you see how easily your life can be shaped by labels.  They affect so many of the choices that you  make.


There are a couple of other things about labels that I find interesting.  I’m beginning to think positive labels are just as restricting as negative ones.  Do you have  positive labels that point you in a certain direction?   Due to the fact that positive feedback feels so yummy…are you staying with something past the point when something new might be more rewarding?  After all you tell yourself the usual feels good and you know (because you can point to the label) that you are good at it…so it’s safe.  Another thing I have noticed is that much of the time it really doesn’t matter who printed the label you still allow your life to start changing in response to being  tagged by it.


I would say that most of your labels aren’t even true.  I can hear someone saying, “yes but I  am short and have dark hair.”  To  which I could say shorter than whom and you only have dark hair if you want  it.  You could always change the  color or it could eventually go grey (if that makes you cringe…you could, again, always change the color).  Labels  keep you stuck in the past.  They keep you bound to ideas that you have outgrown.  You have taken many steps along your path since they were assigned. Do  yourself a favor have a bonfire and torch all of your labels then watch the  world open up.

Let’s take an  imaginary walk out of doors into a beautiful setting.   I won’t describe to you what that
setting would look like …this is after all your walk.   Pick what for you would be a really special, serene,
interesting (and as many superlatives as  you would like to throw in) place.   Really take a while and make it as perfect as you can.   Alright do you have it in mind?   This for you will be a sanctuary.   So that would mean a safe haven, right?

There are a couple of catches to enjoying this beautiful place.  One is that it is for you alone.  No friends, pets, children, TVs, sports specials, parties, fast cars, good food or any other distractions allowed.   The next catch is all of your striving to get ahead, second guessing of your actions, worry if you’re dressed right or fit in and the need to impress people or get their approval has to be checked at the entrance.  In other  words you have to stop packaging yourself for resale.  By now are you walking around kicking clods of dirt and thinking well what in the world am I going to do here?  Like many of us you may be starting to fidget?   Ok now back to the  statement above does it still feel like a safe haven?  I would bet many people would say  NO!

 It should tell us something if being with our plain,  vanilla, unadorned self makes us uncomfortable. It seems like the first step to finding our own answers is to understand how valuable and important to us that plain, vanilla, unadorned self is.  Maybe that is what you could start doing in that sanctuary